I Choose You
by Zasterfate
Summary: Jane realizes how Maura feels about her. Oneshot.


**A/N**: _I feel like Jane's a bull in a china shop. Desperate to never lose the people she loves which makes her reckless. It makes her do things like agree to marry Casey, but maybe it's that same recklessness that will save her when it comes to Maura._

_Hope someone enjoys reading this as much as I did writing it._

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><p>Jane stares at the sequence of events she's scribbled out on a sheet of paper. Something is missing and she's vibrating with thought, flexing the left hand that holds a pen, her right leg stretching forward in the small, cramped space underneath her desk in the efficient bullpen. Her eye keeps catching on the flashy engagement ring on her finger and she tries to ignore it. Time, she decides. She'll get used to the extra weight in time. She'll come to identify with what the silver circle signifies. It means a loving husband and a happy marriage when they say their I do's.<p>

She gnaws at the pen cap, shifting focus. Her mind jumps from one scenario, making conclusions about plausibility, then probability, before scrapping the theory and going to a fresh one. Her focus isn't on work. It's on the awkwardness of wearing her ring. Is it supposed to feel so tight? He had it fitted specially to her finger. Maybe it's psychological. That's what Maura would say, something about her unconscious fears causing physical symptoms.

Maybe that's why her stomach is all weird and knotted. It's the anxiety, the nerves. Well, why not? She got engaged two nights ago. That makes sense. She's overjoyed.

No. Overwhelmed.

Jane sneaks a glance at Frost who's got a look of concentration plastered on his decidedly serious face. Korsak is chatting away on the phone, one of his C.I.'s, she can tell with the coded language he makes use of.

She rises and Frost immediately gives her his attention, asking what's up with his raised brows.

Jane pulls on her blazer, smiling sheepishly. "Be back in twenty."

He nods and refocuses on his computer screen. Korsak notices and offers Jane an agreeable wave before she walks out, heading to the elevators and going straight down to the café where she's surprised to see Maura already there, sitting at a table alone. Jane stands at the entrance and a slow smile softens her hard features, the angular jaw turning less sharp with a gentle expression.

Her dark eyes hold a hint of lightness, of easiness as she watches the doctor pick at a muffin. It's got to be some gross honey-bran one, Jane thinks, or maybe it was that refreshing cranberry orange Maura made her try last week.

Jane wonders where Maura's tea is. Maura always gets tea, but no. She's sitting there with a lone muffin and it looks wrong. Two officers awkwardly move past the detective and that's when Jane realizes she's been blocking the entry, so she shuffles over to the counter.

Angela's shift doesn't start for two more hours, so it's Stanley who's standing there, waiting for her order. Jane asks for a medium coffee, milk, two sugars and a small herbal tea.

When Jane looks back, Maura is watching her with clear interest. Jane knows that Maura has Angela's schedule memorized, so that means Maura wanted to be alone.

Jane smiles and Maura returns it half-heartedly. Maura hasn't really smiled at Jane since yesterday afternoon. It's only been about twenty-one hours, but it still stings. The doctor can't force herself and so Jane is forced to be aware of things changing between them.

Jane had gone through all the emotions Maura could be feeling. Jealousy. Anger. Irritation. But the sad smiles and interested gazes are painting a completely different picture now that Jane considers it.

Maura is speaking with her eyes and she's saying how disappointed she is. How much she's hurting to see Jane. And Jane is responding in kind; _I'm sad, too. I just want it all back to yesterday, before I showed you this ring, before you told me you were happy for me and walked away._

"That's $3.75, Rizzoli."

Jane slips Stanley a five, waits for her change, then grabs the two cups, going over to Maura, slipping into the seat opposite her. "Hey," she murmurs, cautiously sliding the tea across the table top.

Maura smiles. "Thank you." And she frowns as she stares at her half-eaten muffin. She hesitates, then slides it into the middle, between the two of them.

It's like a truce. Jane keeps her left hand hidden in her lap as she breaks a piece off with her right and tosses it into her mouth. It's the cranberry orange.

"I like this one," Jane murmurs.

"Yes, I know."

"Maura?"

"Hm?" The doctor fiddles with the lid of her tea cup.

"I…I'm sorry."

Surprise registers in those amber green eyes. "Oh?"

"Can we talk about it, or do you…do you need to be alone?"

Maura sighs. It's an old weary breath. Like she's lived too many years and seen too much sorrow. "I've been alone, Jane. I'm just trying to reconcile myself to the fact that I'll have to return to it for good."

Jane's eyes spark with panic. "Maur, no. You're not ending our friendship over this."

The doctor shrugs. "I suppose I'm lucky to have free will then. Just like you." And that's a dig; Jane knows it is.

The detective is all glares and a deep scowl. "So, what? You're going to ignore me now? We work together, and if you tell me you're leaving –"

"I'm not leaving," Maura assures her. Her shoulders raise slightly, as if aimless. "But things will be different because I can't lie and I'm no good at hiding my feelings. That's been made clear to me after my reaction yesterday to your…well, you can remember."

Jane has to steady herself, her fingers tightening around her coffee cup. "How different?"

Maura looks up, directly into the blazing dark eyes appraising her. "I love you, Jane."

The detective trips on a breath, like a whimper, but soundless, all in the way her chest heaves and her hand twitches, eyes closing to savor the words. She resents the sharp glass sensation in her throat.

"We can't have sleepovers," the doctor says. "And I won't come by on Sunday dinners. I refuse to integrate myself into Casey's life since he'll be there and I'd hate to feel like an intruder even if I've been at your mother's table longer. You'll need to watch the game on Fridays at the guesthouse instead of in mine. It's not that big of a change, if you really think about it. You just have to stay one door away. I'll shut Angela out completely. No matter how much she badgers and forces me, I won't tell her why you and I aren't friends anymore. You can tell her whatever you like. I'll still be kind to her though. She's been a mother to me. I don't expect her to move out, but if that feels necessary, I'll accept it. We'll interact at work, for work. You can still observe my autopsies and feel free to collaborate with me on our cases. Our work as a unit is what keeps our case closure rate so high. You're an exceptional detective, so in that respect, of course I will look forward to having your insights and I will give you mine if you request it. But when we solve a murder, please don't invite me for drinks. I can fend off Korsak and Frost on my own if they try to ask and I may come to the Dirty Robber from time to time; it's pointless to pretend we won't be in each other's orbit, but don't call me over. Don't sit with me. Don't…" Maura looks up.

Jane cannot help her tight jaw and watery eyes.

"Don't situate yourself back into my life, Jane. I will not come to your wedding. I will not speak to Casey. If he gets near me, I will keep my mouth shut about all of this. And Jane…I know it's not fair. You never asked for this and it's horrible that I've fallen in love with you. I'm ashamed of myself, but I don't want to suffer any longer. I want a chance to move on and I need you to help me. I need you to leave me. I need you to walk away and respect my wishes."

Jane stands so abruptly that Maura freezes. "Is that what you want, _Dr. Isles_? You want me out of your life? And you want out of mine? You think it's that easy to end our relationship?"

Jane sounds like a raging ex-lover and it breaks Maura into a quiet sob that she's been working hard not to let out.

"You know what you are? Fucking selfish! Because you know I need you," and this is where Jane cracks, both of her hands spreading flat on the table as she leans over it, staring Maura down. "You know I'll never choose Casey over you. And you're manipulating me."

"Jane, no –"

"Yes, Christ, yes! And what's this bullshit about being one door away? Not so different? God, Maura. Being one door away would be torture and you know it! You know I'd be unable to stay in the guesthouse knowing you're ten feet a-fucking-way!"

Jane stands her ground when Maura rises as well, facing off with the detective. "Well if I'm trying to manipulate you, Jane, it's only because I've watched Casey do it so effectively. And since you're wearing his ring, I must consider that you respond well to such asinine tactics."

"So you admit it?" Jane asks, her voice a low, mangled growl.

"Fuck you and your fiancé," Maura snaps in such a curt, clipped tone that it takes a moment for the words to slice through Jane. The detective blinks, shocked. Maura circles her hand between them. "There is nothing here anymore."

But Jane grips that hand, eyes flashing with anger. "There is everything here and you're not running from it."

"Watch me," Maura retorts and it's pissing Jane off because she knows Maura is goading her and she hates how helpless she's becoming. She hates that she's willing to do this to keep Maura, but she can't help it. She leans in, intent on kissing the doctor, laying some kind of claim, but instead, she's shoved backwards, hard.

"Desperation is manipulation. I won't have you touching me because you're scared of losing me. I'm not Casey."

"For God's sake, Maura! What do you want from me?!"

"I told you. To stay away."

"That's…that's not even an option," Jane groans, running a hand over her face. She catches sight of the ring and violently twists it off, holding it up. "See? See how easy you make this choice?"

"I won't be the reason, Jane. I won't –"

Jane slams a fist down on the table to startle Maura into shutting up. "Well, too bad! You are the reason. The sole reason. That's it. That's all. So stop. Stop feeling like you have to let me go. Stop feeling guilty for making me choose. Stop pushing me away. Because I would do damn near anything for you. And you expressed that Casey is not an option for me. So just like that. He's cut, Maura. That's the power you have over me. Accept it. Enjoy it. Go laugh in Casey's face about it. But that's what you mean to me. So fucking stop and just tell me you won't push me away."

The space between them is tense and Maura steps back. Jane tries to calm down. Though they're keeping their voices as low as possible in this situation, the few patrons in the café are staring at the two, trying to figure if it's a professional spat or personal.

"Jane…"

Jane can hear the apology in her name and she's sick of it already. "Maura, morgue after shift, meet me or I swear to God I will have every cop in Boston tailing you."

She sees amusement flit through Maura's eyes for a millisecond before the doctor's lips thin out into a straight line. "I…fine, Jane. Fine."

Jane's hands go to her waist, pushing the blazer's fronts aside to rest authoritatively above her gun and badge as she nods. And she means to leave now, to walk away with an air of sureness. Yet, she has a disturbing fear that Maura is going to vanish.

Even against the harsh barrier of strain that seems to have settled between them, Jane moves in closer, around the table, in front of Maura, exhaling and shaking her head. Maura's arms come up defensively, crossing over her chest and Jane is offended. She hates being the reason Maura needs a protective stance.

"I have every right to be angry with you, Maura," she mutters and watches indignation as well as guilt pass through sharp green eyes. "And you have every right to feel the exact same way. But you have to understand that I can't lose you. And yesterday, when you locked me out of your office, that's exactly what happened, and it was much worse than any time Casey's ever left. And all that was between us was one damn door."

Regret etches its way onto Maura's face.

"So I'm gonna say this because you need to hear it and because it's the truth."

Jane watches Maura brace herself.

"I love Casey." Jane's voice is sure, even, and lacking indecision. Maura looks like Jane has shot her father for a second time and just as Jane sees the steely resistance building up in the doctor, she says even more firmly, "But I'm in love with you."

And Jane just thinks she would have said it long ago if she knew Maura Isles could ever look at her like this, all melted and warm despite the lingering unease.

Maura seems to hold herself together, her arms wrapping tighter as if physically trying to console herself against Jane's overwhelming presence and this new wave of disclosure.

"Jane, I need to think. Please let me go now."

Though Jane can understand that Maura needs a moment to catch her breath, she has a selfish craving to see the doctor vulnerable after feeling like such a wreck since this whole thing started.

"I can't, Maura. I need you to let me in and trust me."

"I will – just, not now."

"No. I'm sick of the people I love pushing me away. I need something tangible. I thought this damn ring was as real as it could get," Jane says, waving it wildly, then pausing to stare at the thing. "But it was too real…like the headlights you see before you swerve off the road and into a pedestrian."

Maura gasps at the conjured image. She doesn't mean to, but the physician in her is horrified at the thought. "Jane!"

And this makes Jane smile. "I know, I know. But it's the worst thing you could do, isn't it? Hurting another person? At least if you hit a mailbox or a tree, the only person in danger of dying is you. But…God, another person. Isn't it just plain against nature to ruin another human being like that?"

"Jane, what are you talking about?"

Jane looks around the café as though dazed before she stuffs the ring into her pocket and laughs. "I don't know, Maura. I…Casey can't ruin me. But you can and I think the problem isn't me."

Maura tenses and Jane is catching on, rapidly piecing together what the issue is. She looks up, having a hard time speaking now that she's seeing all of Maura's fears coming to life.

"You…you would rather be alone than learn how to be with me. I mean, that's what all this is. It's not even like you're willing to suffer in silence while I go off with him. You told me you loved me thinking it'd push me away so you could somehow twist it all to lend proof to some theory that you're meant to be alone."

Maura pulls further back, her eyes wide in a shock that's all too bright and striking; Jane is equally astounded.

"And you're lashing out at me. Even when I say I choose you, you don't believe it. Because in your mind, how can anyone choose you?"

"Jane, that's enough." For the first time, Maura's voice is threatening. It's never been this way. It's usually Jane who has a 'proceed with caution' sign flashing above her head. Because Jane's insecurities are a little easier to run into, but Maura has always guarded herself so well, even from the detective.

"So you keep people away from you," Jane continues, not caring how raw they're about to get. "I mean, come on. The supposed love of your life is in Africa." Jane laughs bitterly. "You fall for a guy you can never even be with! Who has chosen his job over you time after time, always leaving you behind."

Maura looks about ready to physically assault Jane.

"But you let me in, Maura. And I don't know when it happened or who felt it first, but suddenly we were more than friends. We were lovers in practice. Sleepovers after dinner. My coffee in your cupboard. Your panda tea in mine. Suddenly I'm eating kale and you're indulging in bacon cheeseburgers. What did you think we were doing? Just sharing a good time? Or learning to enjoy what the other loved? Gosh, I do yoga and you kick box. I've learned how to make incisions and you can operate a semi-automatic. I actually know the importance of taxonomic nomenclature and you feel the collective despair of Bostonians everywhere when the Red Sox lose."

Jane has a watery smile because she loves to be this certain. She thrives on her own sureness, and she can't begin to explain how relieved she is to have this new understanding that seems to have poured itself out of her and into words. "Please, Maura. I don't need a commitment or a coming out party. I just need you to hug me for now, that's all."

And Maura does. She burrows herself into Jane, face buried into the detective's chest, arms around the narrow waist, practically suffocating the brunette with the way she clings and convulses in her arms, but Jane revels in it as she gathers Maura closer and tighter than she's ever held another human being. Christ if it isn't just as comforting for her as it is for the doctor.

Resting her chin atop Maura's dark brown hair, Jane grins madly and blinks away her own tears. Her heart is all clenched up and her body literally aches, but it's the best feeling to have Maura with her like this.

Jane can accept that they'll need to go slow, but she's excited that they're at least headed in the right direction.


End file.
